Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
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People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy