@Marcmywords2

LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.

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@daemonic3

[on date]

her: what are you doing on your phone?

me: an update

her: what update?

me: not much, what up with you

@Shade510

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

@tsm560

Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.

@cbdoubleu

“Are you seeing anyone?”

Me: lately I’ve been seeing this squiggly floaty thing on my peripheral vision.

Floaty thing: We’re just friends.

@Angibangie

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

@UncleDuke1969

WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.

@shutupmikeginn

“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.

@1_dingle

God: take it

Satan: no you take it

God: no you take it

Satan: i dont want it

God: well its no good to me

Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name

@Vodkantots

“How much for the supermodel?” *winks seductively

“Ma’am, that’s a mirror and you appear to be having a stroke.”

@DrakeGatsby

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son