Everyday, millions of plants are killed by vegetarians. Help stop the violence. Eat a steak.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
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Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
aliens probably ride pass earth and lock their doors
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?