her: what are you doing on your phone?
me: an update
her: what update?
me: not much, what up with you
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
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Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
“Are you seeing anyone?”
Me: lately I’ve been seeing this squiggly floaty thing on my peripheral vision.
Floaty thing: We’re just friends.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
“How much for the supermodel?” *winks seductively
“Ma’am, that’s a mirror and you appear to be having a stroke.”
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son