@Marcmywords2

LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.

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@OverlyManlyMann

Everyday, millions of plants are killed by vegetarians. Help stop the violence. Eat a steak.

@stephenjmolloy

Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.

@baronvonbike

Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?

“Shit… Was it the treason?”

@protolalia

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

@KylePlantEmoji

Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news

@MOONEM0Jl

aliens probably ride pass earth and lock their doors

@LoveNLunchmeat

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.

@RandiLawson

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

@Megatronic13

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

@ThugRaccoons

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?