Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.

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Everyday, millions of plants are killed by vegetarians. Help stop the violence. Eat a steak.


Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.


Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?

“Shit… Was it the treason?”


If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.


Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news


aliens probably ride pass earth and lock their doors


Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.


Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.


[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-


Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?