@GrillinChillin9

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

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@damagedprincess

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.

@KSBoswell

so two of my classmates just asked our professor if his shirt is missing a 2nd part.

@Spaziotwat

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.

@dreamthievin

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

@JessObsess

My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.

@DrakeGatsby

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

@TheDairylandDon

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.

@DaddyJew

Your son has been suspended

“for what?”

He hit a kid who was picking on another child

“so what, yall ran out of ice cream to give him?”