Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

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My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.


If I learned anything from my childhood, its that if you cry long enough, your dead hamster will be reborn as a rabbit


[FBI raid]

Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”


One good thing about being sedentary for this long is that the life expectancy of my socks has tripled.


A flamingo in the streets and a lion in the sheets and a kangaroo at Target and I think Carl forgot to lock up the zoo last night.


Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.


Cop: *pulls me over*
Me: *winds down my car door window*
Cop: where’s the rest of your vehicle?


Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂


Dating must’ve been so easy for cavemen. This my cave. This my fire. You like rock? I have many.