Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

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I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.


so two of my classmates just asked our professor if his shirt is missing a 2nd part.


If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.


Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.


My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.


[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.


Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.


Your son has been suspended

“for what?”

He hit a kid who was picking on another child

“so what, yall ran out of ice cream to give him?”