@SteveSackington

Look, all I’m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.

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@Marlebean

{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…

*I run to check on the donuts

*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”

@PaperWash

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat

prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

@TheAlexNevil

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

@crownjuul

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

@Home_Halfway

*Hands waiter menu back at a fancy restaurant* I don’t know what any of this is and I’m scared

@RunwayDan

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

@D2BMcG

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

@thatUPSdude

If people knew just how many fake arguments I win when I’m in the car by myself, they would think twice before ever picking a fight with me.

@rockymomax

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby