Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
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If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets