@ohthats__jayy

Look at this unemployed nigga no care in the world

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@joshuadun

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

@myonlymizztake

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

@SortaBad

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

@HlessHman

Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens

Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that

@TheAndrewNadeau

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

@TheBoydP

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

@CakeThrottle

My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say ‘It’s so cold out!’ and I say ‘It’s winter’ and then we silently hate each other.

@Mr_Kapowski

Sorry I reported your newborn’s pic on FB but nudity is nudity

@FunnyTunes

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.