If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
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[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
do horses think humans are hats
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?