Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
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There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Support your local cemetery
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually