Fine, take the other car, I don’t care.
Look, Clinton’s gonna win. US President order has to follow Star Trek Captain order: white guy, white guy, black guy, woman, Scott Bakula.
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If a genie grants you 3 wishes, use the first one to make the genie develop short term memory loss, and then keep making 2nd wishes forever.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
What can I get you to drink?
Is Peps- Uh one moment please
[In kitchen, to manager]
I don’t know, he just said Pepsi. What do I do?
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
I scaled Everest! And I give nicknames to fish.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
My daughter is refusing to eat anything but nachos. And I’m a good mom and will give her what she wants:
Nacho ride to your friend’s house