If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Look, Clinton’s gonna win. US President order has to follow Star Trek Captain order: white guy, white guy, black guy, woman, Scott Bakula.
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*tries for a year to brush and floss better*
*goes to dentist*
Dentist: Do you even own a toothbrush?
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
You had one job!
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Her: I’m putting you in the dead zone
Me: Lol you mean the friend zone
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.