@GoFrankGo

Look, Clinton’s gonna win. US President order has to follow Star Trek Captain order: white guy, white guy, black guy, woman, Scott Bakula.

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@adam_bloomquist

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

@theshamingofjay

*tries for a year to brush and floss better*

*goes to dentist*

Dentist: Do you even own a toothbrush?

@ninjadinosaur1

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

@foodfacenow

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

@AndrewChamings

[first day as a celebrity chef]

*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*

@tsm560

Her: I’m putting you in the dead zone

Me: Lol you mean the friend zone

Her: No

@yonewt

Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie

@alexisthenedd

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.