[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
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If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
bout dat hot dog summer
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi