(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
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I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
You can’t rush stupid.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
I had to Stop for this
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?