Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
You Might Also Like
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”