Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
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Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.