Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
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I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda