look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
When you let grandma cat sit
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.