Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
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Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I am patiently waiting for your email
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!