look for the boy with the broken vape, ask him if he’ll be your escape, and he willllll be loooved

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if people really didn’t want to hear smartass responses they wouldn’t keep asking questions like “do you know why i pulled you over?”


GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what


PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks





PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now


[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing


I got my first period during Shrek 2 live in theaters which means I entered Shrek 2 a child & left a woman


Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.


Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.


ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.


Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.