@ryanyeetz

look for the boy with the broken vape, ask him if he’ll be your escape, and he willllll be loooved

You Might Also Like

@iwearaonesie

if people really didn’t want to hear smartass responses they wouldn’t keep asking questions like “do you know why i pulled you over?”

@fro_vo

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

@Home_Halfway

PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now

@DanMentos

[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing

@kathradical

I got my first period during Shrek 2 live in theaters which means I entered Shrek 2 a child & left a woman

@1followernodad

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

@JermHimselfish

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

@dafloydsta

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

@chrisdowning

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.