Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
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I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.