If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours to keep. If it doesn’t, you drove far enough.
Look, I might not take a bullet for you but I’d push someone else in front of you which is practically the same thing.
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Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
A manual RT is like saying “Hey check out this guy, but keep looking at my face. Please…don’t ever stop looking at my face…”
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
How to keep a man happy:
1) Phone him 86 times a day
2) Wail hysterically
3) Be needy
4) Never sleep with him
5) Buy yourself shoes
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.