@KKAlThani

Look, I might not take a bullet for you but I’d push someone else in front of you which is practically the same thing.

You Might Also Like

@JumpingJesusH

If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours to keep. If it doesn’t, you drove far enough.

@BunAndLeggings

Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.

@kbnoswag

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

@junejuly12

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

@RalphSudafed

A manual RT is like saying “Hey check out this guy, but keep looking at my face. Please…don’t ever stop looking at my face…”

@ag_loco

How to keep a man happy:
1) Phone him 86 times a day
2) Wail hysterically
3) Be needy
4) Never sleep with him
5) Buy yourself shoes

@TheGoodGodAbove

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

@DurtMcHurtt

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.