Make your daily standup meeting shorter
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FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.