Look, I might not take a bullet for you but I’d push someone else in front of you which is practically the same thing.

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If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours to keep. If it doesn’t, you drove far enough.


Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.


I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us


Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.


A manual RT is like saying “Hey check out this guy, but keep looking at my face. Please…don’t ever stop looking at my face…”


How to keep a man happy:
1) Phone him 86 times a day
2) Wail hysterically
3) Be needy
4) Never sleep with him
5) Buy yourself shoes


To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.


Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.