Look, I wouldn’t even run in a zombie apocalypse let alone chase after you.

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Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?


Learned today that it’s about 12 min after realizing there’s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are


When life gives you lemons, you should peel one in front of the other lemons. You know… to send a message.


“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin


Walmart has strategically placed the cold sore meds in the mistletoe aisle.


I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.


ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature


Knock, knock

Who’s there?


Wu who?

I wouldn’t get too excited sir, I’m here to impound your car.