On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
You Might Also Like
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
RT if you know someone like this!!!
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
This forever.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
North and South
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
<- sleeps well with others
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.