@theroyaltramp

Look, I wouldn’t even run in a zombie apocalypse let alone chase after you.

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@13spencer

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

@TheIronSherk

Learned today that it’s about 12 min after realizing there’s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are

@SuperJuanderer

When life gives you lemons, you should peel one in front of the other lemons. You know… to send a message.

@PhuckinCody

“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin

@ADifGuy

Walmart has strategically placed the cold sore meds in the mistletoe aisle.

@sixfootcandy

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.

@rockymomax

ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature

@JohnBoyStyle

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Wu

Wu who?

I wouldn’t get too excited sir, I’m here to impound your car.