Look, if you can take a smoke break, I should be able to take a twitter break.

It’s not like one addiction outweighs the other, HR!

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The most uncomfortable part of seeing your work colleague crying at their desk is asking them if it’s because they’re named Ralph


Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.


Boss: Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?

Me: It’ll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait?

Boss: Today!


Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.


Being an adult just means you don’t get rewarded anymore when you eat all your food. My nephew ate two chicken fingers and got rewarded with ice cream. I ate 5 and my mom said “I thought you were on a diet?”


Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*


people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire


My car is 13 years old.

I like how the ceiling fabric hangs down and makes it feel like a blanket fort.


mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes


On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.