me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
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I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
2 years later
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Single and childfree like Jesus
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
More like Kate Missington.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.