Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
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Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.