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god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I am having an out of money experience.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said