Look kid, its not “passing out” if I have a blanket over me. Now be a dear and turn off the kitchen lights.

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I’m forever disappointed that a group of squids isn’t called a squad.


How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.


Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!


*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”


My boyfriend wants to do it like three times a week—–together. He’s so demanding!


She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts, we are both very unprepared for this cold weather


Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*


The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?