We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
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Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
The point of your 20s
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.