Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
You Might Also Like
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
found my next D&D character name
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I mean…but I did
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!