@JustDontBugMe

Look, kid, sorry I ate your ice cream out of your hand but at the rate you were licking, it was either gonna be me or the ground.

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@ch000ch

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary

@andiedandie0

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

@CArmanthegirl

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

@jollyrobber

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

@funderlaw

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

@Xoolun

My wife tells me she wants me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away.

I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.

@kiiimdaaa

People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“

@Lil_Booty_Boss

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.