me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Look, kid, sorry I ate your ice cream out of your hand but at the rate you were licking, it was either gonna be me or the ground.
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Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
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So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My wife tells me she wants me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away.
I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.