Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
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I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
john wicks are toilet candles
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-