*takes earrings out*
*takes bracelet off*
*slips out of shoes*
*tears off jeans, shirt, bra*
Ok Doc you can weigh me now
Look lady I don’t need yours or anybody’s help in looking foolish okay?
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Kudos to dogs for enduring seven 2018s
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
If I answer yes maybe it’ll finally come true
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Me: If that baby won’t stop crying I’m walking out & going to another restaurant.
Gf: You used to do that too.
Me: that was months ago.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.