Look lady I don’t need yours or anybody’s help in looking foolish okay?

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*takes earrings out*
*takes bracelet off*
*slips out of shoes*
*tears off jeans, shirt, bra*
*shaves head*

Ok Doc you can weigh me now


Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]


“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything


Me: If that baby won’t stop crying I’m walking out & going to another restaurant.
Gf: You used to do that too.
Me: that was months ago.


GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up


Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.