Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
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Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
do u think theres a butter planet?
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say