Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
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My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo