Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.

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My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.


A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.


Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.


Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?


3yr old: [whispering] I have a secret

“What it is, sweetie?”

3: [shouting] I POOPED!

“Do you know what a secret is?”

3: [whispering] no.


I accidentally bleached my hair too blonde and when my therapist saw it this morning she let out an audible “oh no”


Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure


I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.


ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air



I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.