@LizerReal
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
@anerdonfire2
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
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@LizerReal
@KrunkedRobot
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
@Izianikapani
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
@thatdutchperson
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
@Jeff_G_Nixon
3yr old: [whispering] I have a secret
“What it is, sweetie?”
3: [shouting] I POOPED!
“Do you know what a secret is?”
3: [whispering] no.
@ellorysmith
I accidentally bleached my hair too blonde and when my therapist saw it this morning she let out an audible “oh no”
@PleaseBeGneiss
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
@JermHimselfish
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
@cepheusjackson
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
@sip_at_home_mom
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.