Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
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I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back