Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
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shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies