look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
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I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
yeah 😭
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
“OMGJK” -atheists