Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
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Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.