Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
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I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.