“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
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As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
tourist season
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
