“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

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I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.


You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes


Pretty cool how your dreams went from “Astronaut” or “Doctor” to “What’s the lowest I can get to pass this course”


*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*


[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.


My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.


Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork


my effort to help others during the pandemic is replying “I’m having the same issue” to every question in Apple Community


if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward