Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
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What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..
send bail money!
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
*crowd goes wild*