@krishna_van

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

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@rainerfm

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

@Xalqee

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

@KKAlThani

Pretty cool how your dreams went from “Astronaut” or “Doctor” to “What’s the lowest I can get to pass this course”

@Marlebean

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

@KalvinMacleod

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

@XplodingUnicorn

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

@ThugRaccoons

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

@yonewt

my effort to help others during the pandemic is replying “I’m having the same issue” to every question in Apple Community

@huntigula

if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward