“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
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Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
For the orator and chef in all of us
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.