@krishna_van

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

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@david8hughes

[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE

@Kauaibride

itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….

-history

@Twits_Giggles

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

@david8hughes

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

@pilau

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

@theedgeofchris

Dora the Explorer has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they’ve ever had.