“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

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Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing


What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?


I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.


Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.


I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.


Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..


send bail money!


Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.


I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)


Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?


*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*