Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
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Poached salmon on a bed of brown rice with peas or Roasted duck with polenta and organic green beans?
Choosing dog food is hard.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I wish my condoms had little jokes on them, instead of in them.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Being wrong is most effective when done loudly.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?