Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
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When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?