Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
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My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
TRAIN’S HERE
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower