Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
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Lube but for my dry humor.
Interviewer: If I called your former boss right now and asked him-
Me: *smacks the phone out of his hand* don’t do that
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
How my mom and I watch Hallmark movies:
“Look at his/her stupid face”
“This plot is so dumb”
“This snow is so fake”
End of the movie: both sobbing
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
*skateboarding at 16
I don’t care about girls, I’m skating.
*skateboarding at 43
I should have had more sex when I was 16.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up