@Dawn_M_

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

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@WheelTod

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

@Reverend_Scott

Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos

Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back

Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on

@NeatFoxes

“50 Cent for 2Pacs of Eminems!? That’s Ludacris!”

@ninjadinosaur1

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

@Rollmaninoz

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

@MAngelo505

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

@MaryKoCo

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

@MikeBigby

Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”

@ImaFlyontheWall

Fact: If you get pulled over, as the cop is walking up to you, place an aluminum foil hat on your head and you disappear from his vision.