Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
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Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Golf would be better with landmines.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-