@Dawn_M_

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

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@offbeatoliv

Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…

Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: If I called your former boss right now and asked him-

Me: *smacks the phone out of his hand* don’t do that

@Lhlodder

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

@Whatevah_Amy

Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.

@LurkAtHomeMom

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

@ledbettercarly

How my mom and I watch Hallmark movies:

“Look at his/her stupid face”
“This plot is so dumb”
“This snow is so fake”

End of the movie: both sobbing

@AndrewChamings

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

@FuckabillyRex

*skateboarding at 16
I don’t care about girls, I’m skating.

*skateboarding at 43
I should have had more sex when I was 16.

@chuuew

8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up