Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.

People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save

I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.

My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”

F Bombs for everyone! 😃

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

6 month checkup…

Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable

Merry Christmas. The three wise men.

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.