Me irl
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My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
#TopTip
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.