@Shingaboop: Look UPS guy, you can't just show up at someone's house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
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@NewDadNotes: Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks? Me: how? by sitting on them? lol. Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
@C00LpenNAME: *Job Interview Me: “Thanks for meeting with me” IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat” (Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench) Me: “What...” Manager *starts timer*
@Reverend_Scott: Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile. Robin: I'm so excited! *curtain opens* Robin: Bruce, that's a car bed... Batman: You're welcome.