“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
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My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks