@antsimpson: "Look we LOVE the script for 'Murder Bees', just change the name to 'My Girl' and you've got yourself a movie!!"
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@Jamberee13: Person: *falls in love with me* Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash. Person: ok cool, never mind.
@mrjumd: My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
@david8hughes: Judas: still on for Friday? Jesus: Friday? Judas: yeah, the last supper Jesus: the what? Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
@djdarrellripley: Me: Come to my party. I'm making my "secret special punch." Her: You mean vodka & food coloring? Me: Who told you my secret?!?