Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
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friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir