lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
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[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn