@deathoftheparty

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

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@215potter

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

@xLiserx

I sexually identify as Nickelback because people are ashamed of how much they secretly enjoy me.

@livlivme_do

The lord giveth, and the lord slappeth that shit right out of your hands.

@Amber_duds

For the past 2 nights my stomach sounds like cat purring when I lay down. I’m terrified to Web MD this. I’m too young to have kittens.

@GuyThe_Guy

It’s like my teeth got in trouble in school & aren’t allowed to sit together.

@Mr_Kapowski

“Will you marry me?”

“The cookie was poison”

“The lotto numbers will never win”

Examples of why I got fired from writing fortune cookies

@bridger_w

When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence

@TheGoodGodAbove

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.

@justabloodygame

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

@thebeckyard

Me: Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your family! Dishonor on your house!

Olive Garden server: Please stop! I’ll bring more cheese to grate!