lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

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Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.


I sexually identify as Nickelback because people are ashamed of how much they secretly enjoy me.


The lord giveth, and the lord slappeth that shit right out of your hands.


For the past 2 nights my stomach sounds like cat purring when I lay down. I’m terrified to Web MD this. I’m too young to have kittens.


It’s like my teeth got in trouble in school & aren’t allowed to sit together.


“Will you marry me?”

“The cookie was poison”

“The lotto numbers will never win”

Examples of why I got fired from writing fortune cookies


When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence


I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.


[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”


Me: Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your family! Dishonor on your house!

Olive Garden server: Please stop! I’ll bring more cheese to grate!