lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
You Might Also Like
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Help Wanted
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?