“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
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My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Whisper out to librarians!
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls