*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
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I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”