*looking a gift horse in the mouth*

– British dentists

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me: time to apologize. did you eat the receipt?
8: yup
me: ok cause if mom finds out we bought these flowers at the grocery store we’re dead


BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it


Your serial killer name is your first name + your middle name + your last name


I don’t know why Russia is so homophobic. Most of the women there look like men anyway.


STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life


Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.


Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.


I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”


I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house