I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
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“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Kermit goes Blue.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant