If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
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Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
[first day as a serial killer]
Victim: you ok?
Me: there’s just so much blood
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*