*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
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Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
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alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible