@XplodingUnicorn

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

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@KylePlantEmoji

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

@

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@ADHDeanASL

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

@ThisOneSayz

(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing

@kimwilliamz

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

@papasuncle

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”

@djdarrellripley

Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!

Me: You should post something on FaceBook.

Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.

Me:

@Smooheed

*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*

@ComedicBust

[3:00am]

Me: [spooning her] Baby, you up?

Her: [playfully] Maaaaybe.

Me: Cool. I heard a noise downstairs, can you go check it out?