[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

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Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages




I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.


(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing


The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.


Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.


Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”


Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!

Me: You should post something on FaceBook.

Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.



*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*



Me: [spooning her] Baby, you up?

Her: [playfully] Maaaaybe.

Me: Cool. I heard a noise downstairs, can you go check it out?