Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
You Might Also Like
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!
~ Toddler selective hearing
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Me: [spooning her] Baby, you up?
Her: [playfully] Maaaaybe.
Me: Cool. I heard a noise downstairs, can you go check it out?