[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

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One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.


We asked George, the office conspiracy theorist, to organize the Christmas party to show him how impossible it is to get a group of people to work together towards a common goal.


If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever


God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.


me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains

friend: how long has it been

me (looking at watch): 4 hours


If you break up and get back together more than twice, I will not listen or care about your relationship problems you idiot.


i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert