@XplodingUnicorn

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

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@ashmensch

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

@shariv67

We asked George, the office conspiracy theorist, to organize the Christmas party to show him how impossible it is to get a group of people to work together towards a common goal.

@briangaar

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

@dave_cactus

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

@suecorvette

me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains

friend: how long has it been

me (looking at watch): 4 hours

@__candypants

If you break up and get back together more than twice, I will not listen or care about your relationship problems you idiot.

@TheHyyyype

i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert