Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
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Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
*cough*
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
live long and prosper!
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.